Maintained by Alan Silverstein,
Last update: 95-05-01
Total entries: 839
A compendium of insults and "not all there" comments from various sources, beginning with rec.humor, April 1987.
Criteria: Humorousness; uniqueness of essence (minimize redundancy); brevity; consistency; avoid gender bias, ethnic slurs, and other really offensive material; keep in sorted order with correct spelling and grammar.
Body by Fisher -- brains by Mattel
3K RAM free, no EMS
A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world
A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth
A 20th century man... The guy has no future
A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards
A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem
A brain like a BB in a boxcar / box of Corn Flakes
A couple of slates short of a full roof
A couplet short of a sonnet
A day late and a dollar short
A deadbolt with a broken cylinder
A doughnut short of being a cop
A few beads short in her rosary
A few beers short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case
A few birds shy of a flock
A few bombs/melons short of a full load
A few bricks short of a wall / hod / load
A few clowns short of a circus
A few clues shy of a solution
A few ears short of a bushel
A few feathers short of a whole duck
A few fish short of a string
A few guppies short of an aquarium
A few inches short of a foot/yard
A few kernels short of an ear
A few kopeks short of a ruble
A few links shy of a chain
A few open splices
A few peas short of a pod/casserole
A few pickles short of a jar
A few pies short of a holiday
A few planes short of an Air Force / hangar
A few points short of a polygon
A few revisions behind
A few sandwiches/apples/ants short of a picnic
A few screws loose
A few shrimps short of a barbie
A few spoons short of a full set
A few straws shy of a bale
A few tiles missing from his space shuttle
A few tiles short of a successful re-entry
A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree
A few volts below threshold
A few yards short of the hole
A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and... What was the question?
A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he'd have to give up chewing gum
A kangaroo loose in her top paddock
A lap behind the field
A little light in his loafers. (Apparently offensive to some? Sorry.)
A looney tune
A medical mystery
A mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost. -- Tom Waits
A mind like wet tennis shoes... Makes squishy noises when running
A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill
A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes
A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body
A notch off the timing mark
A one-bit brain with a parity error
A pacifist out of necessity in a battle of wits
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on
A prime candidate for natural deselection
A quart low
A return with no gosub
A room temperature IQ
A semitone flat on the high notes
A square with only three sides
A teapot with a cracked lid
A titanic intellect... In a world full of icebergs
A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world
A VGA card and a Herc monitor
A victim of retroactive birth control
A violin minus the bow
A walking argument for birth control
A wind-up clock without a key

About half smart
Afraid she'll void her warranty if she thinks too much
Airhead / bubble-brain
Aliens zapped him with stupidity ray -- twice
All booster, no payload
All crown, no filling
All foam. no beer
All hammer, no nail
All hat and no cattle
All he remembers about his middle name is the first letter
All his eggs in the same basket
All his learning curves look like Mount Everest
All icing, no cake
All lime and salt, no tequila
All missile, no warhead
All shot, no powder
All the lights don't shine in her marquee
All the personality of linoleum flooring / plasticene / putty / caulking / saran wrap
All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag
All wax and no wick
Alphabetizes junk mail
Always in the right place, but at the wrong time
Always loses battles of wits because he's unarmed
Always needs to have jokes explained
Always sharpening his sleeping skills
An 8080 in a 68000 environment
An alligator. (All mouth, no ears.)
An Apple //e on UUCP
An early example of the Peter Principle
An ego like a black hole
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese
An inch short and a stroke early
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
An XT clone in a Pentium zone
Ano-fossal ambiguity. (Can't tell his ass from a hole in the ground.)
Answers the door when the phone rings
Any slower and he'd be in reverse. -- Gignac
As a baby his parents stood him on his soft spot
As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb
As focused as a fart
As happy as if he had brains
As happy as the village idiot
As quick as a corpse
As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head / wet sponge / bowl of Jello / mashed potato sandwich, and twice as smart
As sharp as a sack full of wet mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn
As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest
As smart as bait / an automatic email responder script
As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly
As thick as champ. (Irish; champ is mostly mashed spuds and cabbage.)
As thick as two short planks
As worn out as a cucumber in a convent
Attic's a little dusty

Back burners not fully operating
Bad spot on the disk
Baler done run out of twine
Barney's his hero
Bats have flown the belfry, and now he's all alone
Bats in the belfry
Batteries not included
Been napping in front of the ion shield again
Been playing with his wand too much
Been playing with the pharmacy section again
Been short on oxygen one time too many
Been using her head as a mass driver
Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner
Blew his O-rings
Blew the hatch before the lock sealed
Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches with his head
Blown/leaking head gasket
Born a day late and like that ever since
Born during low tide in the gene pool / swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool
Born ugly and built to last
Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat
Brain like a hard drive with no read/write head
Brain permanently in power saving mode
Brain transplant donor
Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint
Bright as Alaska in December
Bright as an acetylene torch -- without an oxygen supply
Brings binoculars to submarine races
Broadcasts static
Bubbles in her think tank
Built a special showcase for his herd of pet rocks
Busier than a one-armed paper hanger
Busy as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest

Caboose seems to be pulling the engine
Cackles a lot, but I ain't seen no eggs yet
Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people
Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment
Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff
Can discern facts and form predictions with the acumen of an economist
Can easily be confused with facts
Can only remember her old passwords
Can only shoot pool with a left-handed cue stick
Can't count his balls and get the same answer twice
Can't distinguish jacking off and strapping a razor
Can't find his ass with two hands and a periscope/compass/flashlight/ bloodhound/GPS receiver (in a locked closet)
Can't find log base two of 65536 without a calculator
Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat
Carrier wave unmodulated
Carries a tire gauge in her purse
Cart can't hold all the groceries
Cauliflower for brains
Changes hands and picks up a stroke
Charming as a carbuncle
Cheats when filling out opinion polls
Cheezwiz for brains
Chimney's clogged
Clock doesn't have all its numbers
Colder than a well-digger's ass in the Klondike
Collects cards for Craig
Consumes hard drugs as vitamins
Contributes to collections like this one without searching first to see if their little gem is already listed
Contributes to the population problem
Could be considered a plant if he developed photrophic motility
Could only be loved/missed if the minister read someone else's eulogy
Couldn't balance a checkbook if Einstein helped
Couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants
Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him
Couldn't get laid if he crawled up a chicken's rear end and waited his turn
Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel
Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside
Couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery. (Common in Australia.)
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
Couldn't think/pee his way out of a paper bag
Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick
CPU not connected to the bus
Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)
Cranio-rectally inverted
Cunning as a dodo bird
Cursor's flashing but there's no response

Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist
Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date
Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror
Defective hard drive / boot sector
Dense as a London fog
Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas
Differently clued. -- Dave Clark
Dock doesn't quite reach the water
Does aerobics... in his head
Does everything the hard way, like making love standing up in a hammock
Doesn't adjust for leap years
Doesn't consider his drive a slice unless it lands two fairways over
Doesn't have a fart's prayer in a hurricane
Doesn't have a round in every chamber
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash / cups in the cupboard / groceries in the same bag
Doesn't have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter
Doesn't have both oars in the water -- can't even find the damn boat
Doesn't have elastic in both of his socks
Doesn't have his belt through all the loops
Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton
Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker
Doesn't have two neurons to rub together
Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
Doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his balls
Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on
Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target
Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate
Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude
Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it
Downhill skiing in Iowa
Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage
Driving at night with the lights off
Driving with two wheels in the sand
Dropped his second stage too soon
Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a stump / a sack of hammers
Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group

Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing
Echoes between the ears
Eight pawns short of a gambit
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor / penthouse
Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open
Elevator is on the ground floor and he's pushing the Down button
End of season sale at the cerebral department. -- Gareth Blackstock
Enjoys listening to telemarketers
Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant
Evidence for the theory of a missing link

Failed the Turing test
Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol / pop gun / cap gun
Finds a flat by swapping tires
Finds canonical humor collections amusing
Finds Sesame Street / knock-knock jokes challenging
Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span
Fired her retro-rockets a little late
Flying/landing on one engine
Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun
Fog rolled in the day he was born, and a bit of it never rolled out
Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack
Forgot to pay his brain bill
Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them
Four bits shy of a full DEC
Four cents short of a nickel
Full throttle, dry tank

Gasoline engine, diesel fuel
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming
Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench
Gears grind/don't always mesh
Gets a charge out of pissing on electric fences
Gets her mail at an unknown zip code
Gets his orders from another planet
Gets hypnotized on the despun section
Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain't got no cattle
Goalie for the dart team
God might still use him for miracle practice
God's favorite target for lightning strikes
Goes with the flow... He's a bed wetter
Good at quantum tunneling but not much else
Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it
Got his brains as a stocking stuffer
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching
Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference
Gyros are loose

Habits explainable if he was raised by wolves
Had a head crash
Half a bubble off plumb. -- attributed to Mark Twain
Hard to distinguish from the tail end of a horse
Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether
Has a few wait states
Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together
Has a leak in his ceiling
Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express
Has a pulse, but that's about all
Has a slow clock
Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together
Has all the brains God gave a duck's ass
Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt
Has change for a seven dollar bill
Has his brain on cruise control again
Has his solar panels aimed at the moon
Has it floored in neutral
Has no discretionary intellect
Has no upper stage
Has only one chopstick in the chowmein
Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent"
Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it's like watching tennis
Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit
Has the brains of a house plant
Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut
Has the IQ of a salad bar / an ice cube / three below houseplant
Has the keen awareness of an ostrich in hiding
Has the mental agility of a soap dish
Has the personality of a snail on Valium
Has the same talent as Dr. Doolittle
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it
Hasn't caught on that X and Y are relative values
Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard
Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat
Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited
He demonstrates that beauty times brains is a constant
He donated his brain to science but they made an early withdrawal
He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down
He knows computers... He's not fit for contact with humans
He writes blank checks on a closed account
He's a General Protection Fault trigger
He's a man on a mission, but can't find his dossier
He's diagnosable
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost
He's really into himself... His head is up his ass
He's so dense, light bends around him
He's so dense, the Titanic wouldn't sink in his head
Hears everything that a dog can
Hears more lyrics on records when they're played backwards
Her ancestors came to this country looking for bananas
Her ass is sucking swamp gas
Her blender doesn't go past "mix"
Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer
Her dentist went deaf from the drill's echoes
Her dialing thumb must be broken
Her ears serve the same function as holes in a dribble glass
Her head needs a periodic whack on the side
Her leads need resoldering
Her memory is truly random-access
Her mental function can be graphed with a single dot
Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes
Her mind is not grounded to a logic supply
Her mind might have spontaneously combusted
Her mind would be unstable even mounted on a tripod
Her modem lights are on but there's no carrier
Her phone doesn't quite reach her desk
Her pool balls don't fit into the rack
Her sewing machine's been out of thread for some time now
Her ski lift doesn't go to the top of the hill
Her synapses are about |that| far apart
Her tires are a little low
Her wipers don't touch the glass
Hid behind the door when they passed out brains
High relative humidity... He's lost in a fog
His .sig is long, boring, and stupid, but it's the best part of his postings
His actual mileage varies
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
His brain could be the perfect dielectric
His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock
His brain would rattle around in a gnat's navel
His buffer is full
His clutch is slipping
His deck has no face cards
His elevator is stuck between floors
His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived
His gene line isn't just dead, it's extinct
His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. -- Robin Williams
His head whistles in a cross wind
His home planet is flat
His IQ is a false positive
His jack can't get the car off the ground
His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency
His mind is less substantial than the Emperor's new clothes
His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime
His mind is write-protected
His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit
His mind wandered and never came back
His outgoing message starts with, "Hello, Mr. Answering Machine."
His page was intentionally left blank
His picture is in the dictionary under "zero"
His puzzle is missing a few pieces
His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position
His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon
His spark can't jump the gap
His spirit guide is a three-toed sloth
His strip is demagnetized
His system administrator is never in
His train tracks aren't quite parallel
His wisdom is stolen from bumper-stickers and T-shirts
Hitler's evil twin
Hyperspatially interconnected neural net
Hypnotized as a child and couldn't be woken

I wouldn't piss in his ear if his brain was on fire
I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth
If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage
If brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose / her hat off / the wax out of her ears
If brains were farts, he couldn't stink up the inside of a matchbox
If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to drive a dinky car around the inside of a cheerio
If brains were grains of sand, he couldn't fill a dixie cup
If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate
If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea
If God tried to help him, we'd have an eight day week
If he donated his brain to science it'd set civilization back 50 years
If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe will come true
If he had a lobotomy he'd depressurize
If he had another brain, it would be lonely
If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them
If he had half a brain, his ass would be lopsided
If he were any brighter he'd be in the visible spectrum
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week
If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards
If his brain were a hard drive, it would back up on a single floppy
If his brains were money, he'd still be in debt
If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock
If ignorance were bliss, she'd be orgasmic
If it's not in his horoscope/tea leaves, he doesn't take it seriously
If sex appeal were dynamite, he couldn't blow the cobwebs off his balls
If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant
If stupidity were a crime, he'd be number one on the Most Wanted list
If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he'd get nuked
If there were a merciful God he'd be dead by now
If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable
If wit were shit, he'd be constipated
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean
Ignorant, and proud of it
Immune from any serious head injury
Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants
In a tub of Preparation H, he'd shrink down to thumb size
In his optimum environment, he'd be locked in a life and death struggle with mushrooms
In line for brains, thought they said pains, and said, "No, thanks"
In need of a ROM upgrade
In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store
Includes a "thank you" note with her tax returns
Infinite space between her ears
Informationally deprived
Inhabits her own private timezone
Inspected by #13
Inspired the slogan, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."
Intellectually/synaptically challenged
IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age
IQ lower than a snake's belly in a wagon-rut
It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm
Just another flash in the bedpan
Keeps his imagination on a long leash
Knitting with only one needle
Knows his sports, but his understanding is limited to violence
Landing with his gear/brain up and locked
Leaky sunroof
Left hand threaded
Left his booster on the launch pad
Left the store without all of his groceries
Leveled off before reaching altitude
Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King
Lightbulb over his head is burned out
Lights are on but nobody's home
Lights not burning too bright
Like a barometer -- vacuum at the top
Like a loose-leaf folder in winter
Like a one-armed man climbing a rope
Likes dunking for french fries
Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend / jumped the track
Lives in La-la-land
Lives in the same world, but a different universe
Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum
Long on dry wall, short on studs
Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room
Looks for the "Any" key
Loose chip on the microprocessor board
Loose wire to his headset/ringer
Low on thinking gas
Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps

Made a career out of mid-life crisis
Mainspring's wound too tight
Makes predictions that make weathermen/economists look good
Memorized every Dr. Seuss story written
Mental software is Version 1.0 / still in beta test
Mentally qualified for handicapped parking
Metronome needs oil
Might be an example of how the dinosaurs survived for millions of years with walnut sized brains
Might still be a virgin except for what nature did to her mind
Mind like a steel sieve
Mind like a steel trap -- everything gets mangled / full of mice / nothing in, nothing out / rusted shut
Missing a few buttons on his remote control
Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles
Missing a layer of insulation in his attic
Monorail doesn't go all the way to Tomorrowland
Mooring lines don't reach the dock
More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head
Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral
Moves his lips to pretend he's reading
Must have ignored a knock-down pitch

Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass
Needs another brain to make half-wit
Needs both hands to wipe his behind
Needs front end alignment
Needs his disk checked/reformatted
Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back
Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can't exist in a vacuum
Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. -- Van Jacobson
Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there
Nine pence in the shilling
Nineteen cents short of a paradigm
No charge in her synapses
No coins in the old fountain
No filter in the coffeemaker
No grain in the silo
No hands on the rudder/yoke
No hay in the loft
No one at the throttle
No wind in her mind's windmills
Not all his dogs are barking
Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible
Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us
Not done evolving yet
Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective
Not enough brains to get anywhere *near* the gutter
Not enough change to break a dollar/pound/deutschmark/yen
Not enough sense to come in out of the rain
Not enough sense to stay out in the rain. (Like a 60's flower child.)
Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders
Not firmly seated in the socket / screwed in tight
Not hard-docked
Not inflated to 90 PSI
Not Intel Inside. (Or, given Pentium problems, just: Intel inside.)
Not much to show for four billion years of evolution
Not only rude, but ugly too
Not playing with / dealing from a full deck (-- not even in the game)
Not running on full thrusters
Not shooting pool on a level table
Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree
Not the full quid
Not the same since they took him off his medication
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
Not Turing equivalent
Not worth pissin' on
Not wrapped too tight
Nothing between the stethoscopes
Nothing on her radar
Numb as a post / pounded thumb
Number 'n a hake. (New England expression; a notoriously stupid fish.)
Nutty as a fruitcake

Off his rocker
Oil doesn't reach his dipstick
On permanent leave of absence from his senses
On the batting end of a no-hitter
One bit short of a byte
One board short of a porch
One boot stuck in the sand
One bumper/rail short of a bank shot
One bun/donut short of a dozen
One car short of a chase scene
One card/marble shy of a full deck
One chip short of a megabyte
One clearance short of landing/taking off
One color short of color-coordinated
One diamond short of a ring
One dimension short of reality
One drool bib short of neat and tidy
One drop short of an empty bladder
One flower short of an arrangement
One flying buttress short of a cathedral
One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl
One fruit short of a basket
One gene short of a full chromosome
One goose short of a gaggle
One hamburger / a few french fries short of a Happy Meal
One handle short of a suitcase
One hot pepper short of an enchilada
One inspection short of passing
One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey
One miracle wouldn't be enough to help him
One node short of a network
One of the early failures of electroshock therapy
One pane short of a window
One pearl short of a necklace
One prayer short of absolution
One punch/swing/hit short of a fight
One sentence short of a paragraph
One shade short of a rainbow
One shingle shy of a roof, and the water's getting in
One ship short of a full fleet
One side short of a pentagon
One signature short of a book
One sleeve/button short of a shirt
One snowflake short of a ski slope
One song short of a musical
One span short of a bridge
One step short of the attic
One strawberry short of a quart
One strike past being called out
One sub short of a party platter
One taco short of a combination plate
One teabag short of a pot
One tower short of a castle
One tree short of a hammock
One vine short of the tree. (For Tarzan types.)
One weight short of a shipwreck
Only one oar in the water
Only playing with 51 cards
Only playing with the jokers
Operating in stand-by mode
Ought to have a warning label on his forehead
Out there where the buses don't run
Outlet isn't grounded
Over the rainbow
Overdue for reincarnation
Overruns above 110 baud

Paged/swapped out
Paralyzed from the neck up
Parents beat him with an ugly stick
Parked his head and forgot where he left it
Pedaling real fast, but not getting anywhere
People around her are at risk of second hand idiocy
Perfect face for Halloween
Perfect percussionist for an acapella group (duh, duh, duh...)
Perfect training subject for apprentice hypnotists
Permanently out to lunch
Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us
Phototrophic on a better day
Pins 2 and 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground
Playing an endgame with a king and no other pieces
Playing baseball with a rubber bat
Playing hockey with a warped puck
Playing Scrabble, but we can't figure out what words he's building
Plays pinochle with a poker deck
Plays solitaire... for cash
Plays tennis with no net and finds it challenging
Plenty of myelin but not enough neurons
Plenty of salt in the shaker, but no holes in the cap
Posts empty articles to Usenet, and enjoys rereading them later
Prefers three left turns to one right turn
Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere
Proof God did die back in the 60s
Proof God has a sense of humor
Proof of Einstein's theory that there is no limit to human stupidity
Proof that evolution *can* go in reverse
Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope
Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying
Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be like putting a pea on a six lane highway

Quotes entire letters/articles as responses and hides her one line of wisdom in the middle

Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third
Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk
Reads her newspaper back-to-front
Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek
Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton
Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society
Receiver is off the hook
Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go
Renewable energy source for hot air balloons
Reset line is glitching
Result of a first cousin marriage
Room for rent, unfurnished
RS232C brain with a DIN connector
Running at 300 baud
Running on empty
Running open. (Old mechanical teletype term.)
Running U.S. appliances on British current
Runs squares around the competition
Rusty springs in the mousetrap

S p a c e d o u t
Sailboat fuel for brains
Sat under the ozone hole too long
Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong
Serving donuts on another planet
Settled some during shipping and handling
Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way
Several nuts over fruitcake minimum
Several nuts short of a full pouch
She can piss standing up, but not much else
She only packed half a sandwich
She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem
She worries about the calories licking stamps and envelopes
Short a few cards
Short-circuited between the earphones
Should be the poster child for family planning
Should have kept his helmet on while riding / playing
Single-sided, low density
Sitting in the right pew, but the wrong church
Skating on the wrong side of the ice
Skylight leaks a little
Slept too close to his radium-dial watch
Slinky's kinked
Sloppy as a soup sandwich
Slow as molasses in January
Slow out of the gate
Smarter than the average bear
Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney
So boring, his dreams have Muzak
So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight
So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him
So dumb, he faxes face up
So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks
So far gone, hard drugs push him closer to normal
So fat, people jump over him rather than go around
So slow, he has to speed up to stop
So slow, we drive stakes in the ground to measure his progress
So stupid, mind readers charge her half price
So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear
Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards
Some Assembly Required
Some bugs in his software
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled
Some pages missing
Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue
Somebody put a stop payment order on his reality check
Someday when she's younger..
Someone blew out his pilot light
Someone else is doing the driving for that boy
Someone let the air out of her lock
Sort of like an inverse Einstein
Source code is missing a few lines
Speaks math/FORTRAN better than English
Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation
Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring
Still traumatized from the forest fire in "Bambi"
Stocksy-babes. (A truly vile British-slang insult.)
Strong, like bull. Smart, like tractor. Beautiful, like KV-2 (A WWII era Russian tank.)
Stumped by anything child-proof
Subtle as a well-thrown brick
Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder
Supports nativist theories that man is formed from clay
Surfing in Nebraska
Switch is on, but no one's receiving

Takes her 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes"
Takes his imagination out for a walk and ends up being dragged around the block by it
Talks to plants on their own level
Team player... No chance he'll develop a personality on his own
Teflon brain -- nothing sticks. -- Lilly Tomlin
The best part of him ran down his mother's legs. -- Jackie Gleason
The butter slipped off his noodle
The cheese slid off his cracker
The definitive answer is: Her glass is half empty
The fan is working but the freon's leaked out
The going got weird, and he turned pro
The heater's plugged in but the rheostat's shot
The perfect personality to write software manuals
The space between his ears powers vacuum pumps
The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet again
The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears
The two put together have an IQ over 150
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
There's nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet. -- Woody Allen
Thick as a brick
Thick as pig dung and twice as smelly
Thinks "Private Enterprise" means owning a personal starship
Thinks a permutation is a medical procedure
Thinks at 5 baud
Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms
Thinks E=MC^2 is a rap star
thinks in lower case and types accordingly
Thinks like a boar hog looks at a wristwatch
Thinks male zebras are the ones with the black stripes
Thinks Moby Dick is a kind of venereal disease
Three chickens short of a henhouse
Three miracles shy of being where he thinks he's at
Three-bag/coyote ugly. (Ask your mommy to explain.)
Throws his rod and reel off the bridge when casting (I resemble that remark. -- editor)
Too many birds on her antenna
Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck
Too many stop bits in his transmissions
Too much yardage between the goal posts
Too pointless to even be called a pinhead
Took the little bus to school
Top paddock is full of rocks
Toys in the attic
Train of thought derailed / still boarding at the station
Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind
Traveling without a passport/towel
Truck can't haul a full load
Trying out for the javelin retrieval team
Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna
Two bits shy of a word/dollar
Two chapters short of a novel
Two degrees off square
Two inches taller than spherical
Two saucers short of a tea-service
Two sheep short of a sweater
Two socks short of a pair
Two suits short of a full deck. (A half-wit.)
Types 120 words a minute but her keyboard isn't plugged in

Uglier than a hat full of assholes. (Whatever that means.)
Ugly as a warthog and half as smart
Unclear which of Newton's three laws of motion keeps his ears apart
Understands English as well as any parrot
Used to have a handle on life, but it broke
Useful as a chocolate teapot
Useful as a football bat
Useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt
Useful as a kickstand on a horse
Useful as a mint-flavored suppository
Useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle
Useful as piss on a forest fire
Useful as tits on a bullfrog / bull / boar-hog
Uses his head best for rolling Easter eggs
Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck
Uses thumbtacks to post notes -- on his refrigerator
Uses two hands to eat with chopsticks
Using a 1S-2D floppy for brains in a world of hard disks

Vacancy on the top floor
Vacuuming linoleum using a deep-pile setting. (Not picking up anything.)
Vaginally challenged, and preoccupied with the problem
Vertically-fornicated mind
Views mold as a higher life form

Warranty expired
Was born an acrobat but landed on his head
Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby
Was napping in the nut pile the day God was cracking nuts
Wasn't abused as a child, but should have been
Wasn't strapped in during launch
Watches "Beavis and Butthead" to learn vocabulary
Watching programs not listed in TV Guide
Went in for repairs but wasn't tightened with a torque wrench
Went to the dentist to have his cranial cavity filled
When he was compiled they forgot to #include //
When they said "drain", he thought they said "brain"
Whole lotta choppin', but no chips a flyin'
Wise as the world is flat
With one more neuron he'd have a synapse
Won't eat eggs because he believes the "This is your brain" ads
Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook

Zero Megs memory.