A Canonical Listing of Lawyer Jokes
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman.
Q: What is Black and Tan and looks good on a Lawyer?
A: A matched pair of Dobermans.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A1: Shoot him before he hits the water.
A2: Take your foot off his head.
A3: No? Good!
Q: How do you save five drowning lawyers?
A: Who cares?
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A: A Lobotomy.
Q: What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers?
A: A waste of cement.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
A1: Back over him to make sure.
A2: Make another notch on the steering wheel.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of poo?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his arse.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: It's from chasing parked ambulances.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q: What`s the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A: A hooker will stop screwing you when you're dead.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why do you swerve to avoid him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground?
A: Deep down they're good.
Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is also a fish.
Q: Why are lawyers great in bed?
A: They get so much practice screwing people.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of locust?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: What do you get when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing, there are some things that even a pig won't do.
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows, but you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
QA: Didja Hear about the lady lawyer that dropped her briefs and became a solicitor?
Q: Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: Yes. He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. Brilliant.
- "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
- "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
- God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.
- When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
An anxious woman goes to her doctor.
- "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
- "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another,
- "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
- "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
- "Well, for three reasons.
- * First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful
- * Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them
- * Thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.
Q: Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
Ben Dover And C. Howlett Fields - Attorneys At Law.
Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe - Attorneys at Law
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
- "Do you serve lawyers here?".
- "Sure do," replied the bartender.
- "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end on the equator ---- It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
- A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.
- On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.
- Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female.
- Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
- The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
- "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head.
- He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
- "What did you do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
- "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
Malborn sat in his attorney's office.
- "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
- "Give me the bad news first."
- "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
- "That's the bad news?" aslked Malborn incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
- "The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
- The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka
out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka in the world,
nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, t
hat we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he opened the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it.
All the others were quite impressed.
- The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have
the best cigars in the world, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them,
that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
- At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...
A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelop containing $25,000 in cash.
- He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin.
He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.
- A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the
coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell.
- By chance, these three met several months later.
- Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin.
He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.
- The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity.
The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when
it could be used to benefit others.
- By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of
two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend.
I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
- "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
- Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
- "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
- Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
- "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
- Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
- The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
- Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
- To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
- To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the
laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assis-tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided
him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
- The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
- St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
- The housewife replies: "Four!".
- The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
- The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.
- He sees a sign remarking on the quality of proffesional brain offerred at this particular brain store.
- He asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?"
- "3 dollars an ounce."
- "How much for Medical Doctor brain?"
- "4 dollars an ounce."
- "How much for lawyer brain?"
- "100 dollars an ounce."
- "Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
- "Do you know how many lawyers you need to harvest to get one full ounce of brain?"
WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS 1300.01 GENERAL
- Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
- Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
- Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
- It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
- It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
- It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
- It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
- It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
- If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
- Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
- It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.